Mountain View Mommy: Sand, Trucks and Testosterone

December 20, 2007

And then there was an ankle

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 7:57 am

Mom what’s this? (pointing to his ankle).

Well, that is your ankle – it’s between your leg and your foot.

Why does it puff out like that?

Because it’s a big strong bone, it’s at your joint so that you can move your foot.

Mom, I think that I must have swallowed a grape through here (pointing down his throat) and it is trying to pop out down there.

hummm….. well that is one way of thinking about it.

December 18, 2007

What they hear

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 7:09 am

What I said:

Justin, please lean over the table when you eat … so that crumbs don’t fall on your shirt and lap.

What he heard:


eating2.jpg

I guess that is one way of doing it! Goof ball.

December 16, 2007

Sabotaged by Technology and Mariah Carey

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 7:41 am

Today I was attempting to bribe the kids to come upstairs so I could take a shower. Usually I can pop on a 15 minute show, and be done with showering in the same amount of time. I have streamlined the process so I can be sure that the minimal amount of damage will be done to the house, themselves & their sibling while I am not able to run interference.

So anyway, Justin refused to come upstairs. So I left him downstairs while I got Andrew settled, and then went down one more time bring him up.

While I had been upstairs, he had done the following:

Gone into my purse
Found the coveted possession… my phone
Flipped it open and found the music download section
Accepted the charge of $2.50 for getting music
Downloaded Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas”
And proceeded to listen to it on the phone while sitting on the couch like Al Bundy.

Seriously…. Justin is amazing. He just turned 2 less than a month ago, and he has already used features on my phone that I haven’t even explored. He a technological genius in the making. HOWEVER, he has a horrible taste for music. Mariah Carey? Seriously? Really? I didn’t even like her when she was popular. Can’t you at least do Beyonce instead?

In any case, I was not going to spend $2.50 on that woman. Anyone else, I would have sucked it up… but not for someone who can screech to an octave only dogs can hear. So I called AT&T to have them reverse the charges. I figured we would all have a good laugh about the situation when I told my story. I really ham’d it up for good measure.

The only response I got was “I do apologize for the inconvenience” in the most deadpan voice you have ever heard.

Then I was interrogated like I had called the FBI – they wanted to ensure I was truly the wife of the person whose name was on the bill & that I really wasn’t trying to steal Mariah Carey songs for my own personal gain. What’s your name? Whose name is on the bill? What is your relationship to him? What’s his mother’s maiden name? What’s his social security number? What’s his favorite food? Does his wake up happy in the morning? Why don’t you like Mariah Carey? Why don’t you like her song? Don’t you like Christmas?

Just kidding.

In the end, the lady reversed the charges for me and asked if there was anything else she could do for me today. I said, “yes, can you child proof my phone somehow?”

She just said, “don’t worry ma’am, I don’t like Mariah Carey either”

Well, thank goodness for that!

December 4, 2007

You know your in trouble when…

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 8:39 am

your 3 year old walks into a Surf-themed restaurant and sees a life size statue of a surfer girl.

He promptly walks up to the bikini clad statue and grabs her boobs.

You are too busy to notice because you are trying to secure a table for your family, but you start hearing guffaws of laughter around you.

By the time you turn around he is staring sweetly at you, and only trying to stick his finger in her belly button.

Niiiiiiice.

The hostess watched him and simply said, “he’s starting early.”  You think?

November 15, 2007

Now that’s dedication

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 8:24 am

When I met my husband, I soon learned of his addiction.

It’s ice cream.

However, I am not sure that I would classify it as an addiction. It’s more a super-power of some sorts. He can consume large volumes of ice cream faster than any human alive. Yet he manages not to get a headache from the cold. AND, his mouth never gets too cold … thus, he is never forced to take breaks from the huge-single-scoop-like-proportions that he calls ‘a spoonful’.

In the early days of our dating, I learned of his ice cream fetish when his roommate would complain that every bowl in the apartment was always dirty because Nathan had ice cream every night. (Let’s not go into why they didn’t just wash them everyday.) And then later, his mother bought him bowls specifically FOR ice cream. And upon further inspection, I noticed that there was never a lack of options in the freezer. There were always ‘choices’ for your ice cream dessert; none were stale, and all were used quickly so that new choices could be brought in.

Impressive I thought to myself: a man who loves his dessert like I do.

In the early days of our marriage I tried to keep up. We would eat out of the carton while watching a show, and for every 2 spoonfuls he got – I could barely scarf down one. And I was trying. Trying HARD. I don’t like to be weaseled out of my fair share of a dessert. I am competitive that way.

So I tried to swallow the large portions, that he called spoonfuls, quickly. They were so huge they would make my mouth cold. And in the time that he shoveled another one down, and was offering me a 2nd, I was still trying to frantically swallow so I could ‘keep up’. In the end we had to agree that he would slow down, because I was watching him & counting. And there was NO WAY he was going to finish that carton by himself just because of his super-human-ice-cream-eating-mouth.

Frankly, I thought no one could rival this obsession.

Until Justin was born.

Justin can put away ice cream faster than we can dish it out. Honestly, if you make the mistake and serve him first… and continue to scoop ice cream for the next person… you have made a fatal flaw. He will be done before you bring the next bowl to the table. And he will be demanding more, and won’t give in until his needs are met. At two years old, he is definitely his father’s son.

But today….

Today he outdid his dad.

He ate his ice cream in record speed. While I savored my first spoonful, he was tilting the bowl to get the little drips that had melted before he could eat them. After successfully wiping it clean, he got up to clear his bowl. He walked to the kitchen, and stopped mid-step. He just stood there, staring at his bowl in horror.

Then he turned around and high-tailed it back to his seat. Threw the bowl on the table, jumped in the chair, and declared….

“THERE IS ONE MORE NUT IN THERE!”

Sure enough. He had missed a quarter of a nut speck that was left over from the Rocky Road he had consumed. And there was no way that little morsel was going to live to tell the tale.

He scraped it out, swallowed it, and got back to clearing his bowl – clearly proud of the work he had done.

I think Nathan has some serious competition. I can just picture them 10 years from now, having an ice-cream-a-thon. You think I am kidding… but you are sadly mistaken. That day will come. Guaranteed. And when they are sick to their bellies from the gallon they consumed in 5 minutes, I will be finishing my first scoop slow and steady, going back for a little more ….. if there is anything left.

November 11, 2007

Retirement plans

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 9:48 am

A conversation from today, after Andrew noticed something completely obscure that no adult would have noticed:

Me: Andrew you are getting smarter by the minute! Soon you are going to smarter than Mommy & Daddy.

Andrew: Yeah, I am getting soooo smart. You won’t be smarter anymore, and I will be the smartest!

Me: That is right. If you get smarter than Mommy & Daddy, then maybe you will have to start taking care of us… instead of us taking care of you. (don’t they say you have to start early for retirement planning?)

Andrew: That’ll be GREAT! (with enthusiasm)

Obvious pause

Yes. That will be real great.
(said with an clearly nefarious tone in his voice)

Hummmm… maybe I shouldn’t dream of my kids taking care of me when I am older. I have a feeling that he might already be planning ways to show me how my decision to limit his sugar intake might not have been have been my wisest choice. I can see visions of my chocolate addiction being limited in my 80’s to ‘one half of one piece, and only after I eat my strained veggies and drink my Ensure’.

Payback could be painful.

September 26, 2007

What??

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 7:47 pm

In June we started potty training. For about a month, it was all-consuming. I could think of nothing else, because pee & poop were in my face anytime I turned around.

It’s only 3 months later and it seems like a lifetime ago. I don’t even worry about the potty anymore. It’s no longer MY problem, it’s Andrew’s problem. He goes when he needs to, and he doesn’t when he doesn’t. If I ask him, I know he will tell me honestly & that is that.

So it’s funny that tonight Andrew is in bed, supposed to be sleeping, but making up potty songs instead.

He is singing about “I need to go potty. I want to go with Mommy. Mommy and the potty.”

After a few more verses, he wraps it up & says to his audience  (who is Justin in the other crib trying to sleep) “now here is another potty song”

He then launches into “NEED TO GO POTTY… POTTY… NEED TO GO POTTY.”

I can hear him upstairs going on & ON.

Justin finally responds, “GO POTTY ANDREW!”   I can just imagine him laying there with the pacifier in his mouth, glaring through the bars of his crib at his big brother, and then rolling over to try to sleep.

I have to agree with Justin.  I want to go up there myself and say “Andrew, just go potty. You already know how.  Stop keeping Justin awake, and walk to the bathroom already!”

OR, instead, I can continue to sit here…  listening to him through the monitor.  I am thoroughly enjoying his singing and it’s keeping me entertained.   I wonder when they won’t let me listen to them on the monitor anymore?  I think I will be sad when that day comes.  Oh what lovely things I would miss!  Like this segue into penis talk. Yup we’ve moved from potty, to the size of his penis.  I distinctly heard him talking to Justin about his size.   Where in God’s name does he come up with this stuff?   Definitely I don’t want a monitor when he hits puberty.

September 25, 2007

Home Safe & Sound

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 1:59 pm

Today it was a ‘Justin & I’ morning.  Andrew was dropped off at preschool, and I spent time with my little one by himself.  We flitted from task to task every 5 minutes, because that is what a two year old does.   Justin excels at flitting.

After being inside, we decide to go digging outside.   So we trudged out to our digging spots & got started.  He was in the sand.  I was in the dirt.   After 5 minutes of hard work he decided to flit somewhere else.  He said he was ‘a little hungry’ and so headed inside.  I said, I would follow him in a second when I put my digging tools away.

When I turned around, my very thorough young man had put his tools down, walked inside, closed the screen door, and subsequently closed & LOCKED the glass sliding door.  Leaving me outside & him inside.

I wasn’t sure what to do.   I didn’t want to make this a game where he would keep me outside.  However, I didn’t want to be stern with him, upsetting him so that he got scared and ‘couldn’t’ open the door.

My back-up key is locked safely in the garage.  No help there.

Nathan is out of town.  No help there.

My cell phone is sitting on the coffee table & he’s playing with it, as I look at him through the window.   Hopefully he is calling for help?  Nope?  Okay back to business.

“Justin, come over to the door honey.”

He comes over, smiles at me.

“Open the door for mommy okay? ”

He looks at the phone and says “phone’s not working.”

“Yes, I know.  I can fix the phone if you let me in.”

He pauses.  Looks at the phone.  Looks at me.   Thinks about it.

Whew…. he’s unlocking the door.

I am in!  Crisis averted.

Now let’s go move that spare key somewhere useful – like under the door mate where anyone can steal it and break into our house.  That should be safe.

September 21, 2007

Funny things overheard recently…

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 1:27 pm

Lately, the kids have been comedians. Of course this is not intentional, they think that everything they say is completely normal. However, to Nathan & I, we are constantly amused.  As one of my other blogging friend’s recently said, having two small children is like being on your very own sitcom.  I totally agree. Instead of it being called ‘Friends’… it would be called ‘Family’.

A few examples:

A few nights ago I was drinking my beer. Nathan told me to hurry up. Andrew said “Chug it mom. CHUG IT! DO. IT. NOW!”             Literally on his own, fraternity jargon was spewing out of his mouth. Next he will be telling me to do keg stands.

Also, after our camping trip… and the lovely music we were relaxing to… Andrew has picked up a few new things. Much to Daddy’s delight, Andrew declared that “Mommy was a ho” last night.         Lovely.

And Justin can not be left out, he has his own set of new words that he is putting together very eloquently these days. You don’t expect him to put together a full sentence, but when he does it can really pack a punch. A few days back Nathan tried to take something off his plate (I guess to eat it, since Justin wasn’t eating it). Justin looked at him and yelled, “NO DADDY! Keep Your Hands To YOURSELF!”                 Nice one kiddo. I guess you are listening when I am talking to you & your brother.

Kids. I love mine.

September 20, 2007

Camping in the Hood

Filed under: Stories — by mvmommy @ 1:27 pm

This weekend we took our first camping trip with the boys. They are still small (almost 2 and just turned 3), but it seemed like it was doable.

We had a variety of responses when we told people of our intentions:

people without kids – Oh that is going to be fun! (with sincerity)
my family – Oh I can’t wait to hear how that goes
people with small children – Oh that is going to be fun! (without sincerity)

It actually was AWESOME.

However, camping with kids is nothing like camping without them. It opens your eyes to things that I had never even blinked at before.

For example, we we drove up to the ranger station… the people behind us were driving a motorcycle blaring rap at the maximum volume for every camper to share in their love of this genre. I was irritated and muttered something about it being rude to myself (luckily). About10 minutes later, I found out that they were our campsite neighbors. This was about the same time we realized we forgot the hammer to bang in the tent stakes. These fine folks shared their hammer, and their nice surround sound-sound music for the rest of the evening… “I’m a ho, you know I’m a ho….” Nathan kept singing that for about an hour.

Also, our little 2 man tent is no tent for a family of four. So I was going to rent a 6-man tent when my girlfriend generously offered up hers. Upon asking her if it was big enough for all of us, she just smiled and said yes. As Nathan started putting up the tent, we quickly realized this was no tent… this was a camping mansion! Honestly every-time I thought he was done, Nathan would reply… “no I am only on step 2 of 20. there are 3 more rooms to assemble”. I about died laughing when he muttered, “who knew I had to budget in an hour to build our fortress”. Sure enough, this tent had a sun room, a back room, 2 side rooms, and a main sleeping area. Each of us had our own door if we wanted one, and there was room for another family of 6 if we wanted to adopt.

However, I don’t think we were going to be adopting from this campsite. The riff raff was everywhere. We had a camper next to us rotating between Fleetwood Mac at full volume and then a garden variety of rap music. The other campers next to us as you know already, were dueling for music rights with their “ho” song…. as well as taking joy rides on their motorcycles in circles around the campsite.  I guess just to survey their territory.  And our other neighbors were a group of teenagers left to their own devices. Their one chaperone was staying in a campsite across the meadow – so didn’t hear the swear-a-thon going on all night long. I was glad my kids fell asleep early,  because they would have picked up a nice vocabulary from one particularly obnoxious girl. Nathan at one point asked if one of the 11 yr olds was wearing a hustler shirt… to which I responded by almost snorting my beer out my nose.

Oh and there were tarantulas ‘on the move’ as one of the signs said. Niiiice. Sure enough, I almost made myself cozy with one while watching the kids hunt for acorns. I about fell over myself trying not to step on it. And luckily the kids didn’t see it, or that would have cut future camping trips out of our foreseeable future.

Overall though, all these things made our trip hilarious. I can’t tell you how much we laughed at the fact that we were camping in the ghetto trying to avoid the acorn attacks (that literally sounded like shotguns as they pelted our tent, car, table, and sometimes Justin’s head). The kids absolutely loved being filthy and playing in the dirt all day. We brought Nathan’s golf clubs and they used them as rakes and other gardening tools to ‘clean up’ the weeds in our campsite.  The would dump rocks on tree stumps, burn marshmallows in the fire, and try to melt play-dough on sticks. Andrew even had some critiquing of Nathan’s cooking…. “holy smokes Dad!” Pretty accurate description of our sausages & steaks at that point.

I wouldn’t say it was what we expected, when we thought about taking our kids to see nature and the beautiful untouched habitat of the great-out-doors.  There was definitely a different kind of wild life to be viewed on this trip.

However, fun times were had by all and we will be going back soon.   This time we will bring our own hammer, more beer, and some Bose speakers set up to blare Carrie Underwood, or Neil Diamond, or something equally obnoxious & delightful.

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