Mountain View Mommy: Sand, Trucks and Testosterone

September 6, 2007

Mommy Forever

Filed under: Parenthood — by mvmommy @ 6:37 pm

I just read a blog by another mother talking about “mommy moments”. A mommy moment by her definition is: the moment that you realize deep in your soul that you are a parent… and you feel that you understand the significance and HUGENESS of being a parent and how it will affect the rest of your life. Some people have a moment like this …. some people don’t. She was complaining that she never had that epiphany, and just was a parent from the beginning.

I can’t say that there was ONE moment which stands out. But lately preschool has been one of those events for me.

My eldest started his first drop-off school this week. It’s preschool. He is three. I thought I was ready, but I found out that I was kidding myself.

Leading up to Tuesday, the orientation day, I found that I was stressed out and emotional. I couldn’t actually talk about preschool without almost crying. I kept worrying about Andrew finding friends, and meeting the teachers. Would they like him? Would they love him? Would he find another friend to pal around with? What if something happened, would he remember how to communicate how he felt to a teacher? Is he mature enough to come home and tell me if something bothered him during the day?

On Tuesday when I went to school with him and got to sit in on the first class.. he seemed happy enough. However, he was definitely aware of where I was at any given moment. The teachers were great. The other kids were great. The other parents were great. I even sat in on both of his current teachers’ classes last year, and they were great teachers. I should have no worries. Yet, I did.

When we left he was exhausted. He took a nap for 3.5 hours… a record in our house.  On Wednesday he didn’t want to go anywhere. No where out of the house. Not even to the grocery store. So we stayed home.

Last night he had fitful dreams. He ended up sleeping in our bed which is a very rare situation. When he woke he looked at me, and told me that he didn’t want to go to school. He said that he wanted to stay home, in my room, all day long and not leave. At breakfast he insisted that I sit next to him… not 1 foot away… but practically sitting on top of him. I about burst into tears.

I didn’t want to stress him out. He is only three & he’s my first born. I haven’t done this before. I haven’t grown the callouses that I need to drop my child off at school yet.

When we got to school he confirmed again that I wouldn’t be coming. We had talked about all the fun things he would be doing in the car ride over, and he seemed to be relaxing. By the time the teacher pinned his name tag on at the door… he didn’t even look back as I tried to reach for him to give him a hug and kiss.

My heart broke.

That whole experience that was one of my ‘mommy moments’. I could see me feeling this way every time he has a new teacher. A new school would raise up all my concerns for his future and happiness. Each new friend would make me question if he was being treated kindly and fairly. Each new girlfriend would make me wonder if they loved him enough and realized what a wonderful person he is. Would I love his future wife… and would she love him like I do? Seriously…. these were my thoughts. These still are my thoughts.

My mother-in-law told me about how she cried all the way home from dropping Nathan off at college at Stanford. All the way home for her is from California to Utah. It’s a long trip. I thought she was ridiculous.

Now I know that she is not.  I can understand now when my father says… I am your Daddy forever.   Because I am Andrew’s mommy forever. The feelings that I have about being his mom are so HUGE that they sometimes overwhelm me. And I don’t think time will mellow them… I think it will only make it stronger and expose themselves in different ways and different feelings. Hopefully by the time he’s having kids… I can figure out how to let go. Because for the next 30 or so years…. I am going to be a wreck because I love him so much.

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