Mountain View Mommy: Sand, Trucks and Testosterone

June 1, 2007

Just call me Mrs. Knoxville

Filed under: Parenthood — by mvmommy @ 2:36 am

I have always found the show ‘Jackass’ to be stupid and ridiculous. To think of it, makes me cringe and wonder why anyone would do those things to themselves or others. I often can’t laugh because I can’t get past the fact that they are CHOOSING to do something SOOOO stupid that WILL 100% hurt them/or bother someone else. Inevitably I end up changing the channel. Occasionally I chuckle. But mostly I just shake my head in disbelief that anyone watches this stuff and that Johnny Knoxville is now considered to be a celebrity.

Today I realized that Johnny Knoxville is simply a grown up man doing what any good toddler does on an average day. I never know what stunt my kids are going to pull next. I simply cannot think at that level. In what could be less than 30 seconds, I can find either boy in a precariously dangerous position. Today I found them balancing on the back of a plastic garden chairs. Yesterday it was trying to somersault off the bed. The day before it was launching sticks at each-other to see if they would fly. Justin would even ride his tricycle down the stairs if I would let him.

I consider myself to be a good, vigilant mom. I have baby-proofed this house so much that it’s crazy. However, if they smell the scent of danger, they will run straight for it. No matter how much hovering I do… I can’t catch it all.

With this thought in mind, I have to really try HARD to find all potential hazards and ‘test them out’. Translation… try them on myself to see if it hurts and if not, let them do it.

This theory started the night that I found Justin trying to shock himself with a phone charger. The charger was stuck in the wall. The cord was detached from the phone. And he was sticking it in his mouth and shocking his tongue. I was two feet away, and it was too late. I didn’t know what to do to evaluate how badly he was hurt… he was crying and wouldn’t let me see in his mouth. So what do I do? I stuck the cord onto my tongue to feel the shock myself. I wanted to see if I should be taking him to the ER… or simply comforting him and turning myself into Child Services. As it turned out, it simply hurt like hell… but no damage done. Note to self: no more phone charging anywhere in toddler reach.

Since then, I have done more than my share of Johnny Knoxville stunts to try to avoid a repeat of that incident.

Tonight after the kids were in bed, I took out a foam rocket launcher and had my sister run ‘tests’ on me. (yes it’s relatively age appropriate … they fly straight up in the air when you jump on an air pump). She shot it at my arms, legs, stomach. And after much prodding & demanding… she shot it at my head. Yes, my head. It sounds stupid. Believe me, I felt stupid. BUT I KNOW THAT MY KIDS ARE GOING TO DO THIS.

Eventually, they will stand over the rocket launcher and someone will shoot it just then – hitting them in the face. Eventually, they will aim it at someone on purpose, and hit them in the stomach. Eventually they will shoot it on themselves and hit their arms or legs because they were too close. I just want to know that when they do – they will simply dust themselves off with nothing more than a red mark on their bodies.

Stupid? yes.

Do I avert my eyes at my own behaviour? yes

Does it save me a trip to the ER? MOST DEFINITELY…. at least this time… until they find something new that I haven’t thought of.

And they will. I know they will. They are little Johnny Knoxvilles in the making.

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2 Comments »

  1. My first reaction was i cannot believe you do this. But then I thougt about it, and think I’ve done it myself…not ahead of time, that totally cracked me up, but after one is crying to see how much it really hurt 🙂 And phone charge – ouch! who knew?

    Comment by Nicole/wksocmom — June 2, 2007 @ 10:11 pm |Reply

  2. OK – this is sister here and fellow rocket tester here! I felt like such an idiot testing that with her as he neighbors walked by. After much insisting, I decided what the heck. It is not everyda you can launch a rocket into your sisters face! My revenge for all those years! Evil laugh – ha ha ha ha

    Comment by The Sister — June 8, 2007 @ 9:02 am |Reply


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