Mountain View Mommy: Sand, Trucks and Testosterone

March 16, 2007

Emily

Filed under: Thinking — by mvmommy @ 6:21 am

I have been writing this post for two weeks now. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be a work of art, it just means that I have been thinking a lot and can’t seem to find the words to express what I want to. So I am not going to try, I am just going to write what I feel as I feel it.

Today is March 16th. Last month, when I did my calendar and put it on my fridge… March 16th was there. I knew it. I tried to ignore it. Every week, as I updated the calendar & re-posted it on the fridge, March 16th got closer. I ignored it. I have made a lot of plans for March 16th and around March 16th… hoping that keeping busy will help me in my attempt to ignore it.

But I don’t think it’s working. I don’t think I have been ignoring it very well. I have been constantly thinking about it. I think about it when I see pictures of adorable little blond haired girls. I think about it when I get Andrew out of bed in the morning. I think about it when I tuck him in at night. I think about it when I see our two boys playing together. I think about it when I put clothes away in the kid’s closet and I see that tiny little box that I have stashed in the top corner with things I haven’t looked at for a while. I think about it … I think about it… I think about it.

March 16th is the day when Emily died. It was 3 years ago. But it still hurts as if it was yesterday. Emily is Andrew’s twin sister. She died before we even got to meet her face to face. She died before I gave birth to her…but her memory is still here & it’s still raw.

I wonder how long it will be until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I am not very sure. Maybe never. It doesn’t hurt every day… but as March 16th gets closer… the ache in my heart gets more & more obvious.

Sometimes I wonder if I hang onto the pain, so that I won’t forget her. I don’t think so. I think that it just hurts sometimes and that is the way life is…. sometimes it just hurts. Yes, I appreciate the wonderful family I have. Yes, I know I am lucky to have the two beautiful boys that I have. I know all that. I am not forgetting the positives. And I am not taking them for granted either. It’s just that I don’t think there is any way I could ever forget her, or not consider her a missing part of my family. I wouldn’t want to. Every time people ask me how many kids I have… I pause. My heart screams THREE! But my mouth says two. When people ask me, are you going to try for a third child so you can have a girl… I just avoid the question. I have a girl. She’s here with me. You just can’t see her.

Her memory is not like a flagrant flashing red sign in my face everyday… but she’s there.

She is there every time I wear the necklace my dad gave me at her memorial. The one that has all my children’s birth stones on it. THREE stones, not just two.

She is there every time I see the pink azalea in my backyard. It’s the one my mom gave me on the first March 16th we spent without her. Every spring when it blooms for the first time, I think of Emily and cry. As it continues to blossom, I can see it from my kitchen window. And it makes me happy. I hate to see the last flower fall away, because I know I have to wait until next year to see it again.

She’s there. She will always be there.

Today is March 16th. It’s not an extraordinary day. It’s just Emily’s day. And I miss her.

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